Finding Me in 21 Days…

Finding Me in 21 Days…

How much time does it take before one will really know why they are? Is this a life long process or can it be done simply by a spending a few days alone? Is there something to discover inside of me? Is there something that I don’t see? Is there something that I need to know about myself? To answer all of these questions, my answer is yes. I believe it will take me a life time to figure out who I am, but I also know that I have 21 days to get a head start on things. I know that life is a process, in which I am sure that everyday I will learn something new about myself. But for now, I will spend 21 days taking a hard look at what I know so far and trying to figure out what my heart holds. Stay tuned, I am sure this time will be life changing. Hopefully, at the end of this time I will know with confidence who I am and what I want out of life. I believe that if I come to the foot of the cross, whole heartily asking the Lord to reveal Himself to me, as well as giving me some in sight as to who I am, He will come with passion to my aid. That is a promise written within His word, for now that is what I will hold onto.

Day 1: So it is the conclusion of day 1. I have figured out that my favorite TV show is Will and Grace. I love the humor and the randomness of the characters. I also love the Gilmore Girls, CSI and of course a night of ER. I am entertained by the random humor. For some reason I find myself laughing until my cheeks hurt. In addition to my latest discovery of TV shows, I have to come realize something a little deeper than my interest in TV. I hate to feel like I am unimportant, unnoticed and a bother. I know that might seem as if I am high maintenance, but I want to know that I am loved, I am important, and that I am special to someone. I want to be treasured. I want to be the one woman in a man’s life who is forever treasured. I want to know that I am his one and only. I want to know that when we are married 50 years, he can still look at me and make me smile for no reason. I just want the simplicity of unconditional love, a partnership, a friend, an alli, I want to be the one that my man is protective of and I want to be the woman he comes home to, you know, the one that makes him feel at home regardless of where we are. If that makes me selfish, I can deal with that. But after one day, I have learned something new, even if it is as small as my favorite TV shows, but I have learned that I am worth what I want. I will keep you posted on my journey tomorrow.

Day 2: Well today was a day filled with tears. It brings me back to the very first heart break I had ever experienced. I cried so hard today my eyes stung, my chest hurt from breathing too hard and I had a painful headache. But when the day was over, it felt good to cry. I made a huge step today, I have always considered my church friends family, but very few people see me cry, and today, I did not care who knew that I was broken. I laid on the floor of the church, as if I was just beneath the wooden and rugged cross, and I wept. I just laid there and cried. It was nice to lay at the foot of the cross and hold nothing back. It was nice to lay in the arms of those who were praying over me. It was so nice to not have to explain anything, just cry, pray and sing songs of praise. Today, I found out that crying is not a sign of weakness. And even if it was, everyone has times of weakness. Interesting day, emotional day, but all and all, a wonderful day!

Day 3: Today I woke up refreshed, renewed and actually excited to see what I learn today. As childish as this sounds, I have come to the realization that I just love hot chocolate. I know, I am not much of a coffee drinker but hand me a cup of hot chocolate and I am a happy girl, so as the work day beings, I will enjoy my cup of hot chocolate and try to discover new things about me, the things I have never know, after all that is what this 21 days is about, so three days in and I think we are doing okay –

Day 3: Part A: It never seems to amaze me that I find myself in the midst of what I know best when I feel like I know nothing at all. So, my grandmother had the best solution to everything. When life gets rough, the tough spend money. Now you need to understand that this woman could shop. And I mean, when she shopped she only had one goal, and that was the use every credit card at least once. Mind you, she had a department card for almost every store in the mall. I loved shopping with her, it always included a trip to CinnABun and maybe an afternoon pop. So during this trying time in life, I simply have no choice but to live out her legacy – Today, I will do her proud. And tomorrow, I will enjoy a lovely trip to the Spa with her in mind. I know some might think that a girl could run out of things to shop for. But the list is rather lengthy. For example, I have wanted a certain sweatshirt for weeks now, today I will purchase it. I have wanted to get a manicure, even though I chew my nails to bits, so today I will do just that. And I must say that I have wanted to do something different with my bathroom, so today is make over day at my house, the bathroom will get new accessories. And when I am done with that, I will do my grandmother proud by spending tomorrow at the spa in town, and possibly arranging for a handy man to come and finish the home improvement projects that are just half done. You see, I am her granddaughter, why you ask, because I could finish those projects, but instead I choose to spend money and have some one else do them for me. Silly, you might think, but it makes me feel like she is still around, and at this very moment, it would be nice to hear from her. Until then, I will do her proud and shop until I have not a dime left… So that is where I am on day 3 of this 21 day adventure. Interesting what comes to mind when all you do is think!

Day 4: Today is the day that I will be in the SPA – now if I could live there I would. I have come to terms with a few things. I love applesauce, I cannot stand to miss out on sleep and I love all kinds of music. But to be honest I already knew all of that. I think I have pin pointed my biggest fear, being alone. Even when I am surrounded by people, I some how feel alone. I am not sure why that is, but I hate the feeling of being lonely… I recently got to hang out with a wild bunch of Christian women. We laughed like we were back in high school. We took over the house, we found ourselves admits chocolate and wine. I love those women, they are what I consider friends, through the rough times and the fun times. The fun thing was no one there really knew anything about what kind of adventure I have found myself on. They just let me be me and laugh. It was as if I almost escaped from all the decisions that wait before me. Today, I have a few specific questions I am going to find the answers to. First I want a definition of soul mate, what does that word mean, what does the Bible say about it. Second, I want an answer to lust. I want a firm definition, I want to research what the Bible says about it and I want to evaluate my life in terms of the words I am seeking. So I have a lot to do before my 5 hours in the spa, but it should be a good morning. More later…

Day 5: So today seems like a new day. I spent time at the spa yesterday, there is nothing like just being quite and just listening to the Lord. I am often consumed with the business of music, TV, or just conversation, and yesterday I was able to just sit in the quite and rest. I was able to listen to the Lord, truly listen to Him. But I must say, that there are moments today were I feel like the peace has gone and I am ever so confused once again. But I will retreat back to my peaceful place, and sit at the foot of the cross. I know that over the past five days I have done a lot of hard work, I can tell that things are changing with me, I know I am making progress. So what is my issue, I don’t think I am make progress fast enough. I just want the final answer… what ever that is I just want to know… until then… welcome to my journey.

Day 6: Am I willing to walk with you? Am I willing to be loved by you? I want to find myself with you. I want to laugh with you, cry with you, and have a family with you. I want to go on afternoon hikes with you. I want to runaway from life and find my safe place with you. But the thing is, do you want that with me? Do you want me and all of me? Do you want what comes with me, my family, my dog, and my 100 hangers? That makes this journey even harder, it is almost as if my choice is to not choose at all. Today is a hard day, a confusing day. My flesh and my spirit seem to be fighting and I am afraid I do not know which one will win.

Day 6: Part A: I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Romans 7:15 – 20

I know what I want to do, but find myself not being able to do what I want to do. I know what I am suppose to do, but I don’ t know if I have the strength to do what I know I am suppose to do. I know what I do not what, but for some reason I keep running to what I do not want. I know what I do not want because it is not from my Father, but yet I find myself talking myself into reasons why I still want what is not from Him knowing full well it is not from Him, nor is it good for me. Interesting thought… Just something to ponder…

Day 7: So, it has been almost a week in this journey of trying to find myself in 21 days… All I know is that I have cried buckets of tears, bitten my nails until they bleed, and consumed by time with Jesus. Not bad. But I have learned several things, some small and others rather life changing. Still, I am committed to walking this road for another 14 days. So to recap the last 7 days, I have figured out what TV shows I love, what movies I hate, I have learned that I have a strong desire to continue to learn to cook, I have come to understand that I bleed for Jesus, I enjoy afternoon naps, I love my job, I want 4 babies, and most of all, I have come to terms with that I am falling in love with me. It has been nice to spend my days with Jesus, talking, listening and crying. I want to consume the days to come, eve the days beyond this process consumed by Jesus. In the days to come, I plan on spending time in the mountains, possibly shopping, I know that one is shocking and I will consume my time surrounded by women I trust, admire and rely on. I am not sure if I will be completely ready to face the world in 14 days, but my prayer is that my heart will begin to heal and I will have received some direction from the Lord. Until then, I will keep reading and listening, and you can count on me and the Lord having several conversations. Stay tuned, more later…

Day 8 & 9: So over the weekend I spent hours talking to my counselor… yes I am seeing someone to help me through all of this. Some might think that is weird, but for me, I have things I need to figure out. I learned things about myself this weekend that I never wanted to know. There is nothing more humbling than having someone tell you exactly what they think you need to improve. But at the end of the contestation, they stand there and assure you that they will help you figure out yourself. I want to be healthy, I want to be mentally healthy, physically healthy and spiritually healthy. So to do that, I must walk this road, I must embrace change and I must improve myself… is that not what life is about?

Day 10: It is interesting how things turn out. Over the last 10 days I have learned a lot, mostly about myself… I have come to know more about the Lord, more about my family and more about what I want in life. More than anything, I want to be able to represent Christ well. I want to be true to His promises and true to Him. I have figured out what true love looks like, rather uncomplicated, full of forgiveness and unconditional…

Day 11: Well, there are times in life when the journey we are on has to be one that we experience independently of others. What I means is, can you really say that just having Jesus is enough for you? That is something that has burdened my heart. If everything were to disappear, and all I had left was Jesus, would that be enough to make me happy? Sadly, there are days when the answer is yes and there are days when the answer is no. But as of today, my prayer is for the remainder of my days to be only for Jesus. I have often times found myself in what I like to call a “bucket of yuck”… a time, a season in life when nothing seems to go right. When you experience physical illness, one after another, when your marriage seems dry or when your job seems to be the greatest source of stress. Well, I have been in a “bucket of yuck” for a while, well 14 months exactly… and today is the first day that I realize the purpose of my yuckiness. The soul purpose of my time within this “bucket of yuck” is to refine me, define my heart and redirect my life, all for the glory of Jesus. So I can confidently say, that I will stay in this bucket of yuck if He wants me too, but from here on out, Jesus is and forever will be enough, even if I have nothing else. What a cool thought, nothing but Jesus can satisfy!

Day 12: Interestingly so I have found that there are some things that really perturb me. More so, I think it is okay to be perturbed from time to time. I have come to realize, that life is hard, living life takes work and nothing has to be perfect, not even me. I know that might sound trivial… but I am a born and bred perfectionist. It might have come from my gymnastics days, when I spent hours each day trying to reach perfection within my routines, just to come back the following day and attempt to repeat my perfection or strive to again reach it. Well, I have always heard the saying “No one but Jesus was and is perfect.” But let’s me honest, we all strive to be perfect in some area of life. That could be why some purchase million dollar homes when they cannot afford them, others drive Lexus’, and some just strive to have some kind of order and organization in their life so that people who are looking from the outside in, only see a perfectly neat house and life. Ummm… interesting to say the least…

Day 13: The things I have noticed during the past 13 days have come as a surprise. So I have realized that I enjoy a clean house, an organized meal plan and I strive for perfection. All of which does not matter come the end of the day. What does matter? Well I will start with what does not matter, that one is easier to answer… It does not matter what kind of house I own, what type of car I drive, the brand of clothing I wear or even how much my job pays. It does not matter what others outside my close knit circle of friends and family think of me, it does not matter what my house looks like in the off change that some one would stop by at random, it does not matter if the laundry is not done come Monday morning and it does not matter if the dishes sit in the sink for a few days… So what does matter? The fact that people love me and I love them, my desire to do the Lord proud in all I do and say, the simple fact of the Lord’s forgiveness and grace, and most of all when the day ends, the only thing that matters is that the Lord loves me and I love Him. I have come to terms with the fact that His love is the most important thing to me. The one thing that can sustain me, the only thing I will forsake all others for and the one thing that completes me.

Day 14: Is Jesus enough? If everything else were to disappear, would He be enough? If those who love me where to turn from me, would His love me enough? Could I leave me house, job, dog and closet full of clothes, shoes and handbags behind, just to follow Him? I think of the 12 disciples and am often times jealous because they got to walk, talk and at times argue with Jesus. They got to audibly hear His advice, visually see His miracles and they were able to physical touch Him. All of which I long for every day. But there was a price they paid; they left everything, their homes, their wives, their children and their jobs behind to follow Jesus. Could I do that? Could I look at my home for the very last time, knowing that someone else would own it? Could I walk away from my family, knowing my time with them was over? Could I just leave the job I know for a life of poverty? I would like to say yes, but that would not always be the case. For now, I will attempt to be His and only His. In my humanness I long for more, but my heart knows that He is the giver and sustained of Life, so I will rest in knowing that He is enough.

Day 15: Why is it that the work week tends to go by slowly? So, I have come to terms with Mondays… they are not my favorite day – the week has begun, work is overwhelming on Mondays and Monday morning always arrives to early. But I will say that I love Wednesdays – that is the official middle of the week. I think that day should be celebrated. Wednesday means that Friday is just two days away which means the weekend is around the corner. Wednesday means that Monday has past, I have survived two very busy and overwhelming days of work and it sometimes means that I have some awesome TV shows saved on the DVR… Wednesday nights mean it is time to gather with friends from church and laugh, it is time to relax because the hardest days of the week are over and for some reason Wednesday nights mean it is time to really spend time cooking a home cooked meal. I don’t know why it is easier to cook on Wednesday night, but it is. So here is to Wednesdays, the midweek day I love!

Day 16: I must say that I have found my love today. I have found that I am in love with sleep. I spent this weekend doing just that, sleeping… I slept until 11 am on Saturday and on Sunday I did not get up until 10 and then I took a nap from 11 – 2. Not only do I love the midweek day, Wednesday, but I truly love to sleep. I love the thought of sleeping in on a Saturday morning when the weather is crisp. I love the thought of Sunday afternoon naps while “watching” football. I love the thought of drifting off to sleep while again “watching” a weekend movie, often times they are lame, but they always make for a good nap… Is it only me that finds comfort in being curled up on the couch, under a large blanket, completely decked out in some mismatched pair of sweats and of course eating the best foods which consist of Diet Pepsi, home made brownies and a peanut butter and honey sandwich. Today, was that kind of a day, which was peaceful and most of all restful!

Day 17: Well, it is Monday – which means the work week has begun. I have to be an adult. I cannot continue to wear mismatched sweats and have uncombed hair. I must at least try to put forth the effort to look like I can do my job, however today; I would like to return to the carefree days of college. I spent time with my college roommate this weekend, we laughed about how nice life was. We talked about the memories of sleeping through class, watching movies until the early morning and of course the always fun prank wars that went on between our place and the boys next door. The days of college were filled with scrubby jeans, sweatshirts, the occasional attendance to the chapel services on Thursday mornings, and of course walks to the near by 7 11 for some slurpies. Some how, we are forced to grow up, we have to graduate and find jobs, we settle down and eventually have families, but the memories that were made during the years of college are more than memories. They are periods in life that shaped us, changed us and more importantly brought people into our lives that will always be there. You see my roommates are the kind of people where I can go 2 years without talking to them, call them out of the blue and pick up as if we had seen each other everyday! We truly had a unique set of roommates, not everyone left college with those types of relationships. Most people have those people in high school, but for me, those people consist of the girls I spent 4 years with, living with, fighting with, praying with, worshiping with and most of all laughing with! Those are my girls, nothing can change that – so just knowing that they too have to work this morning, makes it so much easier to be an adult. Who ever said growing up was something fun, well never experienced change…

Day 18: And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, my sobs begin to subside, I shudder once or twice, I blink back my tears and through a mantle of wet lashes I begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is my awakening. I realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. I have come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and I am not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with me and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. I awaken to the fact that I am not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what I am … and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) I have learned that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for me and that it’s not always about me. I come to the realization that I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and I won’t settle for less. And I learn that my body really is my temple. And I begin to care for it and treat it with respect. I begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. And, I have learned that alone does not mean lonely… I have learned that being loved does not always mean feeling loved, I have learned that I love him and he loves me, regardless of what happens.

Day 19: Well, in the past 19 days things have drastically changed within me. My heart hurts today for the very fact that I now know that life is not fair… I believe that everyone has people in their lives that make lasting impressions, the presence of those people change one’s life forever and when the time comes that they have to separate because of life circumstances or by death, all involved are always devastated. I do believe however, for me, that I will miss this person everyday, I will continue to love them and I will smile every time I think of them. If I would speak to them once more I would say the following… I love you, you are important to me, your impact upon my life will never be overlooked, I will spend time each day thinking of you, wanting to talk to you and wishing I could feel your embrace. I am sorry our time together was cut short, I am sorry that life is not fair and I will take you with me everywhere I go. I love you very much and I am saddened to see you go. With that said, I think everyone has moments where they wish they could have said something to someone… Life is short, say what you mean and do what you say… tomorrow is uncertain, that I do know… Regardless, everything works together for the Glory of the Lord and I hold tightly to the promises of His word. Two more days left in this fine adventure and one thing is certain, I will not have all or any of the answers! But I will know myself more than I did 21 days ago so that is progress.

Day 20: Well, the end of this journey is just around the corner. Man looking back is like looking into a life that was so different than the one I am presently experiencing. I have found that time away from the daily stresses of life is what makes all the difference. During this 21 days I have ditched work, I have spent time in the SPA and of course I have picked up a few new clothing items and added to my purse collection. But more importantly, along with all of the shopping and pedicures, I have found myself once again. I have come home, I have come to the foot of the cross and asked for refinement and was blessed to experience it. I have cried buckets of tears, questioned the path I was on and wanted to run away to San Diego (my favorite city of all times). There were times that seemed as if this adventure would never end, I have had to give up many things I hold dear, but I have always once again, realized who I am and more importantly the power of the Lord. I have seen this time of refinement to the end, well all most, and I can stand proud and say that my heart is healed, my future is bright and my God is gracious! I have discovered the meaning of true love, I have been able to ask those in my life to pick up the pieces of my heart and help me put it back together and I have fallen madly in love with my Savior, so for that, I would walk this road a million times over. God is good, and His word holds all the blessing one girl could ever ask for!

Day 21! Well I made it! The past three weeks have been an adventure to say the least. What have a learned? Well….

The Lord’s promises are just that, promises, and they can never be broken.

His love for me is unconditional, no matter my choices in life, the roads I choose to walk down or the people I love, He loves me.

I have the ability to make mistakes, learn from them and move on…

I have the ability to say no, to look at what I best for me regardless of what others might say.

I have the ability to be strong.

I am strong…

When I am alone, I don’t have to be lonely.

I am proud to say I love a clean house… ok, I will admit I am a little OCD when it comes to cleaning…

I love organization, again the OCD thing comes into play here…

I am addicted to caffeine and make no apologies

I love children and want to have at least 4, regardless of if they are mine or I adopt them…

I love my husband more today, than every before.

I have a passion for those that are the outcasts within society…

I bleed for Jesus and only Jesus…

Nothing matters more to me than Jesus… Yes you might think that I said that already, but for some reason saying it this way tends to mean something different to me.

I love to write, I would be honored to be an author some day…

I bite my nails ALL THE TIME!

And finally, I have fallen in love with me, just as I am, completely in love with me! Yes, it sounds wired but, it is true!

So, this is the end of this 21 day journey and I must say, my heart has been broken, but the pieces are within the hands of the Lord, and there is no better place for them. I have walked a rough road and come out stronger, more in love then ever and more passionate for Jesus, which is the only point to life, right? Bye for now!

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