Gone Baby Gone

This weekend Isaac spent Friday night and Saturday night at Grandpa and Gradma’s house in Fort Collins. Needless to say, I missed my baby. But, It was a fabulous time for Daddy and I to spend some time together. We went up to Black Hawk and stayed out late, slept in and just relaxed. It was a great time.

We recently watched a movie called, “Gone Baby Gone” – this is not a movie one should watch in the company of children. But it is a fabulous movie. There is a part of me that I have never experianced until I watched that movie, and honestly, most so until this morning when I dropped Isaac off for the day.

The story line of this movie centers around a child that has gone missing. And I tell you, it would be an ugly day if sometime like that happened to my little man. That is what I meant, when I said, there is a part of me that I have never experianced that has surfaced. There is a part of me that has always been a fighter, ask my older sister, the only time I ever got kicked out of school was because I got in a fight and was defending her honor. Yep, it was a ugly day. Some girl messed with my sister and we fought like little school boys out in the parking lot of the high school. I had never really punched someone until that day. Something kicked in, and I suddenly knew how to fight, I did not pull hair or slap, I mean we got into a fight. We punched eachother and were rolling on the ground kicking one another. It sounds silly now, but man, if you messed with my sister, I was not a happy girl.

 And now, as a mom, that has become even stronger. I am passionately protective of my husband, my dog and my baby, but man, there is a part of that protectiveness that I need to be careful of, because it is ugly. I use to have a woman in my life who was at one time a dear friend. Our lives went separate ways and we don’t see eachother often, but looking back, she was not someone I would want in my village, she would not be someone I would want to have influence on my child. She would not be someone I would consider a safe or healthy person. But yet, I was drawn to her. I trusted her and I let her into my heart. I often still think of her and my emotions sometimes get the best of me. I get angry, sad, frustrated because I thought she was someone different than who she turned out to be, and most of all my heart is still hurt. She was only in my life for a few years, so I could only imagine the pain that comes from ending a lifetime friendship, or even a marriage. She broke my heart, hurt my feelings, caused pain in other relationships in my life and the hardest part of it all is knowing that I let her into my life. I threw caution to the wind, and trusted someone who my husband never trusted. I trusted someone and forgave someone who repeatedly lied about me to other people, who remained in an abusive relationship which meant she put her daughter, me, our friends and her daughters friends in harm’s way.  What if my child was at her house when her husband became upset? What if my child was injured or worse?

So back to the movie, I would move mountains if something ever happened to Isaac, or even Andrew – but we can choose to surround ourselves with safe people or unsafe people. Right? As a mama, I can choose who will be a part of my families life. That is part of being a mom, right? It is in my job description per say. So as I was driving away from Pam’s house, knowing that she is a safe person and she loves my son, something in my started to get passionate. I could not imagine something happening to my son, at the hands of a stranger, but what about if something happened at the hands of someone I allowed into our lives? The longer Isaac is here, the more I start to understand the amount of responsiblity I have. I choose to have, I am excited to have and that the Lord has given me.

 So where do I go from here, how I do process my ramblings? I must simply get on my knees, I must get re-focused and I must rest in the assurance that the God I serve is the Lord over the Earth. He is much bigger than me, than my protective passion and could do more harm to anyone who ever brought harm to my family. So, for today, I will rest in knowing that my son is being watched, protected, loved and has been saved by the one and only. Praises be unto you. Thank you! Give me peace as I wrestle with where I am today. Amen –

Thanks for listening to my ramblings!


One Response

  1. Thanks for sharing your heart and being vulnerable with this post! Having someone hurt you deeply is so hard to deal with – I have experienced that pain. The only way I’ve dealt with it over the long haul is to acknowledge the feelings whenever they overtake me and then throw them right back at the foot of the cross – the promise of I Peter 5:7 remains one of my favorite because I don’t personally have the strength to overcome the hurt – but I don’t have to, I can release it back to God and He promised to take it from me. Some time ago I was really hard on myself for not “forgiving and forgetting” until I was reminded that God is truly the only one who can do that but He can always give me the power to make strides in this area when I remember to go back to Him with the hurt whenever it rears its ugly head! Hope that makes sense and I love ya!

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