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Planning, Panicked and at Peace…

Week 10 has officially begun. Technically we are at 10 weeks and 2 days. But for the purpose of this lovely blog, I will just say 10 weeks. I will say however, that as the time passes it seems that I have more and more things running through my head. You know, I am a planner; I love to plan things almost to the excess. You know, I am starting to think about things that some might see as excessive. For example, I have already asked my mother – in law what her plans for Thanksgiving were… why was I already thinking about Thanksgiving in April? Because we are having a baby in November, and if I cannot control things, I want to plan them so I can at least pretend to control them. Right now, I am in a place in which I have found that I have no control over what is happening…  I cannot control the fact that I have to pee every 10 minutes. I have lost the ability to control how the day is scheduled to go… you see, I love routine and right now, there really is no routine for this experience called pregnancy. One minute I am feeling fabulous, I can work with ease, I am able to eat what ever I fancy and I am not worried about bolting to the bathroom with the urgent sense to throw up my lunch. However, a few minutes or hours go by and my experience is totally different. Nothing I eat is settling well with me, a smell grabs the attention of my nose that leaves a turning sensation in my stomach and if I am not throwing up, I am peeing ALL THE TIME. So you see, I have lost all the control I once had.  

With us only in our 10th week, there are still several unknowns. Many women experience miscarriages within their first 12 weeks, however, there are some women who have also experienced miscarriages at different times through out their pregnancy. So this little piece of information leaves me, a significant planner, lost. I want to dream about/plan the nursery, I wonder what the plans will be for the holidays and of course I want to dream about/plan what names I like and don’t like.   But there is that haunting miscarrying fact in the back of my head that leaves me really intimidated to really jump into this part of life. I guess all I can really do is pray that things will be healthy and fabulous. I will pray for direction as to when to plan and what to plan. I will also rest in the fact that the Lord already knows how this will turn out… but the planner in my, just wants to know what He knows… I am not asking for a lot of information, just a little note, a little clue, basically, I just want a little sticky note is all, it does not have to say more than “Plan on it” or “don’t plan on it” …  I just want to be at peace with how this fabulous time in life will turn out. I guess that is where my heart is at 10 weeks, it is longing for peace. It is longing for information, it is excited and bursting with joy, but there also a sense of fear that at times seems to consume me. I guess that is the very preparation I need for parenthood, I am confident there will be moments of excitement and bursting joy, and there will be moments of fear.

I am trying to rest in the fact that the Lord gave women 9 months to prepare for this adventure. My moments of panic are often comforted by the simple fact this process called pregnancy did not just happen, it was not something that began with a Big Boom or out of a tiny cell just floating around in space, this process is a divine creation fillied with creativity. As times goes by I am more and more in awe of the Lord’s amazing creativity, just by the simple fact of what develops when and how fast life begins to form, leaves me speechless. I guess the planner in me really needs to learn patience and so for now, I will try my very best to wait upon Him. I will try to dream without planning and I will contstantly be amazed at the life He created that I will one day give birth too…


One Response

  1. Congrats on the bun in your oven! Don’t fret too much about miscarriages – I think more pregnancies go full-term. You’re young and healthy. As for the nausea – when a few of us were pregnant around the same time in one office – it was concluded that if you graze throughout the day, that helps a lot. Letting your tummy get empty and then eating tended to cause the sickness – which also helps explain why morning sickness is so common. Hard to graze when you’re sleeping. Good luck trying to maintain that control you like so much (I can’t stop laughing at that thought). Babies are the most wonderful way to be out of control!

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