Me and Jesus, where ever that takes me…

On October 25, 2006 I wrote a blog titled, “Does what I want even matter?”, now I have come to terms with the statement that I made towards the conclusion of my blog. I have included it to refresh your memory.

My mom sent me this quote: “He had planned to kiss her, longed to take her in his arms and show her how much he felt for her.  But her idea was even better.  In his life, physical love had always come easy.  It was this – a connection of his soul with the soul of someone he loved – that had been missing. And then they prayed together. ”   I read that a million times today, my response, I want to shake the Heavens, I want to scream until I feel He hears me and I want an answer. Truthfully, I think I want a different answer than I got yesterday, I want an answer that I like… I want to know that if I do my own thing, He will still love me, He will still call me His own. Maybe the answer lies within Him alone, maybe that is something to consider, a life with just me and Him. I am ready to fight, I am ready to scrap and I am ready for answers… Am I at the point where I can say with all I have in me… “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42 My answer right now, NO WAY! I want my will to be done, I want what I want, but how many people are willing to say that and not be ashamed. Maybe just me, but today, I am not ready to say “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” And I will not say it until I am ready and mean it with all I have in me! Until that day, I will continue to wrestle with Him, fight with Him and struggle to understand Him.

Today is the day that I can say “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Today I say that with all my heart, regardless of what might come my way. I know that following Jesus comes with certain heart aches and often times looks of disapproval. But today, I can answer my own question, does what I want even matter? The answer, no, what I want does not matter, because this is not about me, it is about Jesus. And at the end of my days, I want to make Him proud, I want to accept His cup regardless of what that might bring. So here is to Jesus, me and Jesus, where ever that might lead.

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