Does what I want even matter?

I find it interesting that most Christian people will say one phrase when things get rough “I will pray for you….” What I would like to say in return is I want answers. I have always known that tact was not my thing, I say what I mean and sometimes more than what I should… I cannot sit through another church service and pretend that I am fine, why, because David, Moses, Paul and even Jesus himself wrestled with the will of the Lord, so what makes it wrong for me to follow in their footsteps.  I want to know what the future looks like. I know that I am not skilled to understand the workings of the Lord, but at this moment I am frustrated by that. Maybe that is because I just got out of a rather daunting work task force meeting, but the point remains that I want to be finished with this self discovering journey. I just want to know how it will turn out. Will I be with You? Will You love me in the end? What if it takes longer than 21 days, will You be there in the end? What if this process takes me in a direction I don’t want to go? What if I willingly walk away, knowing my credibility is shot to hell and my life will forever be changed? The peace seems to have left, does that mean it was never really there in the first place? What I thought was the answer seems harder to do today then it did yesterday. Why do I have to go back and forth, why don’t I just get an answer? These are all questions that I know I am not the only person who ever asked them… but these are questions that I want to answer…  My mom sent me this quote: “He had planned to kiss her, longed to take her in his arms and show her how much he felt for her.  But her idea was even better.  In his life, physical love had always come easy.  It was this – a connection of his soul with the soul of someone he loved – that had been missing. And then they prayed together. ”   

I read that a million times today, my response, I want to shake the Heavens, I want to scream until I feel He hears me and I want an answer. Truthfully, I think I want a different answer than I got yesterday, I want an answer that I like… I want to know that if I do my own thing, He will still love me, He will still call me His own. Maybe the answer lies within Him alone, maybe that is something to consider, a life with just me and Him. I am ready to fight, I am ready to scrap and I am ready for answers… Am I at the point where I can say with all I have in me… “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42 My answer right now, NO WAY! I want my will to be done, I want what I want, but how many people are willing to say that and not be ashamed. Maybe just me, but today, I am not ready to say “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” And I will not say it until I am ready and mean it with all I have in me! Until that day, I will continue to wrestle with Him, fight with Him and struggle to understand Him.

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