I will wait…

It always seems to amaze me that one’s emotions can run wild, almost like a river. At one point things are fine and then in a second, things have changed, the waters are rough and the tears just flow. My mom thinks I have not cried enough through this process, and I just don’t have the time to really cry. I cannot cry at work, one because that is unprofessional and two because I don’t want my face to be blotchy. I won’t cry at church, because church people can gossip and I hate that. More importantly, if I truly let my guard down, I have to let people in, and right now, my walls are up and my heart is guarded. Frankly there are two options, I can fight or I can run. And if I fight, my defenses are up and the athlete appears and it is time to rumble. If I run, well then I just pack my bags and move to a new location, new people, new job, new identity and new life. That seems easier, but truthfully, I have this thing called a house that I cannot just up and leave but yet something about a mortgage company, I hear they don’t like it when people just disappear. So that leaves me with the option to fight. Now with that comes the understanding that there are two types of fighting, a clean fight and a dirty fight. I am trying to fight clean, which basically means fair. I am trying not to be irrational and complicated. I am trying to see things as they really are, and that only comes in time. But when I get pissed, I start to fight dirty, which basically means I hold nothing back, I say what I want and how I want to say it. That usually means I swear a lot. But this church girl is going to try to spend time at the foot of the cross, rather than on the front lines of a war. I have to trust His word… Matthew 11: 28- 30 says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” I have to trust that, I have to rest in Him. I have to cling to what I know to be true, otherwise, everything gets fuzzy. I have to rely on His strength because right now I have none. So for today, or at least for this hour of the day, I will remain at His feet, just waiting. I have yet to know what I am waiting for, but in time He always reveals it to me. So I will wait.

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