Counting on Heaven to Understand…

So things are rather complicated at the moment, just a part of life I guess. But I often find myself at the Lord’s feet just wanted to know if He understands. I just want to know He supports me, He loves me unconditionally, no matter what. I am often reassured by a variety of scriptures, but there comes a time in every girls life when she needs to see her Father’s face and know that everything will be okay.  

I love the unknown books within the Bible, like Habakkuk. You see this was a man who sought answers. He and I have that in common. He often asked difficult questions and I admire that. I often feel like I am the only one that really wrestles with the Lord. We have some loud conversations; I have no issues with expressing how I really feel to Him. I do however, have issues with not being able to hear His voice as I am use to hearing the voices that surround me.  

I am one that has always needed to do what I wanted, regardless of what other people have said. I am proud to say I have made it to see my 25th birthday, some thought that would never happen. But in the times that I have done what I felt was right, the worst thing that could happen is I make a mistake. And is that not the point of life, to make mistakes and learn from them? I have no problem admitting I made a mistake, at least until now.  

I think I have come to the realization that I made a mistake, and admitting that will eventually hurt more than just me. This mistake impacts other people’s lives. This mistake will break the hearts of people I love. Let me just put it out there that this mistake is not an affair. I don’t want people to assume anything. But you do not need to know what this mistake is, those involved know, and if they don’t they will soon find out. I guess the only thing I am clinging to is the fact that Heaven, my Lord, Father and Friend, will understand. And no matter what, I will still be loved at the end of the day, if only my Jesus, is that really enough for me? If I end up with nothing else but Him, is that really enough? I want to say yes, but that is a scary thought, more so I scary realization. For now, I will rely on the scripture, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” Hebrews 11:1. For now, I will step out in faith, regardless of the outcome, I will step out, assure of only one thing, I am beautifully broken and in love with Jesus, the one that will forever sustain me.


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