Good ol’ Dane Cook…

“I’m standing beside this guy, I don’t know this man, never met him before in my life or in a past life, I can sense this. Standing next to this man, never met him before. He turns towards me and he sneezes like this, he goes: FUUUHH!!! He actually did like the robot from 85. FUUUHH! Yea, He turns TOWARDS me and he sneezed and there was no blockage, there was no hand or the mouth. I turned to the guy, I say “God Bless you” by the way when somebody sneezes. I don’t say “bless you” I don’t say that because.. I’m not the Lord. I can’t do that. I’m just a messenger for Big Guns up stairs, you know what I’m saying. And I never go with “gezundheit” I don’t know who even says that. If I say “gezundheit” I feel like I’m honoring Hitler like I should be like “gezundheit!!” I end up on the history channel cause the guy sneezed. God Bless You. This is what guy comes back with, this is where it starts to get out of control. Guy looks at me, and very condescending, He goes “*sniff uh… yea.. I’m an atheist.” Yea, what a jerk right? I’m trying to be polite, I don’t know you’re an atheist, and even if I did, what am I supposed to say when an atheist sneezed, “Uh, when you die nothing happens.” SO now, I start getting into like a religious debate with this guy. And it is awful, he’s questioning my beliefs, “Well what about you, what did you grow up?” And I say “Well I was raised Catholic, I was raised Catholic. As I’m telling him about my religious background he is laughing at me. He is laughing at me, he is giggling. He’s like “You believe this? This is ha ha. ha aw..” Now for his own entertainment, he says to me “Let me ask you this. What do you believe happens to you after you die?” And I said, “Well, ok um. Hopefully I live a good life and my soul goes to heaven. And when I get there, all of my ancestors will be waiting for me like it’s an airport. “Hey! What’s up? Guess who’s dead sucker, Ahaha! Come here.. come here, float over here, check this out.” I’m telling him this, he’s laughing even more. He’s so condescending, he’s so snarky with his f*&#king attitude. Yea, snarky. So he’s laughing at my beliefs, and finally I just snap and I go “What about you? Ok, what about you? Alright. What happens to you? You’re an atheist, what does that mean? What happens to you after you die?” Now he gets very serious, like he’s going to school me. Ok. He looks and he goes “Oh I can tell you young man. I can tell you. I know what’s going to happen to me after I die. After I pass on, my body will become one with this earth. From there, I will become a fertilizer for this planet. And with that, I will return as a huge beautiful tree.” That’s what this guy believes. He’s laughing at me, he’s gunna come back as a f*&#king ficus, Johnny Weeping Willow over here. I wanted to slam this guy so bad for this, right. But then I stopped. I stopped, you guys please hear me out. I let it sink in and I want you to as well. I hope when he dies he does become a tree. I hope he’s in the middle of the wilderness. And he’s doin his tree thing, whatever it is trees do. I know they do alot of work with breezes. And wouldn’t it be fantastic if while he was out there just enjoying his treeness, thru the woods a huge sweaty guy with an axe comes along. Sees him. Chops him down. SMASH! Put a chain around him, drag him through the mud and the muck, throw him into a saw mill, grind him up. Then you pound him down into paper. Once he’s paper, you print the Bible on him.” ~ Dane Cook   Okay so I love Dane Cook, mostly because I believe there is nothing more important than laughing. I think laughter can change the world. So I give you this long rendition of Dane’s fabulous work in hopes that you too will laugh today.

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